I don’t to this day know why I stayed so long. I
saw all the signs, I knew this was not how I should live, but I still stayed.
It started off with us walking each other to class in college. Either I would
meet him after class or he would meet me after class. My days, and then my
nights, were spent with him outside of class. We studied together; we went to
parties together. After a while, I did not know how to breathe without him, he
became my air. As long as we were with each other alone, everything was
all right.
When I would look at other men, he became
furious, after a while the looks turned into slaps, black eyes, punches. I
tried with all my might to turn my eyes away from the world around me and focus
just on him. When he studied, I even stayed up under him. At first it was
comforting, but later he became obsessive.
I saw him getting high, but I didn’t think it was
a big deal. I had never used drugs or pills and I did not realize how addictive
this would later become. We both graduated from college and I could not find a
job, and so I went home – home without the person I had spent four years of
undergraduate school. I ignored the abuse and focused on the great life we
would have together. He was a mechanical engineer and I was an Elementary
School teacher. I saw the big house, the cars, the social life, and the trips,
and yes, the children. We would get married and that is when my eyes began to
open. He was having affairs, and I just would not believe it. He began making
trips from Texas to Pittsburgh and I later discovered he had found someone
else. I just could not believe it. I began to drink and drink and drink. My
world that I carved out was now falling apart, but I still tried to hang on. He
stopped caring if I knew he was in other relationships. I finally decided that
I deserved better than this. I would go back many times and things were worst.
I finally got up the courage to leave forever,
and I did look back many times; but I knew, no matter what, I would never go
back. I gradually got through the depression, the betrayals, lies and broken
promises, and other toxic relationships, but slowly I began to become
comfortable being alone for the first time. I began to like making my own way,
making my own decisions, and walking in my own purpose. I learned to love
myself more each day, whether I am with someone or not. I got use to taking my
own self out. I learned how to love me more. I know I have not gotten
there yet, but I learned loving myself was the greatest gift I could give
myself.
Share your stories so that other women will learn
from them and recognize that they don’t have to stay in a toxic relationship.
